i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
