The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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