this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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