I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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