what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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