How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
