i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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