ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize