Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
