mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
being pregnant is like rehab
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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