I'm eating all of the evidence.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
