so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I think your dad took our porno
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
