I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
i've created a new STD.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
