Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
