Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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