from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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