I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
