chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
