I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
