well I can't set my house on fire every night
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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