I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
