so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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