The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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