what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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