omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
