I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
