dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
wat bout pragnant strippers??
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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