i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
