I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize