I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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