I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
