your parents love me but you hate me
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
