Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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