i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
