I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
