I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize