I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
