Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
