I just threw up on my dentist
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
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