I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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