You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
