I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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