Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
