Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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