The maid of honor just puked.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
