hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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