Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize