just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
