all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
