They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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