We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
