I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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