it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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