I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
