Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
