He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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