This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
