Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
why do cheetos always look like penises
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
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