i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
