she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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